


About those Memories

by NiennorNight (Niennor_Night)



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BookSpoilers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PostPg.511
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-04-06
Packaged: 2018-05-31 04:50:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6456607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niennor_Night/pseuds/NiennorNight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post page 511 Malec.<br/>Alec visits Magnus a week after the breakup, as a client to ask him to do something for him. Magnus doesn't want to, but Alec won't take 'no' for an answer. What will happen?<br/>(Since things didn't happen the same way in the Books I guess this should be considered an AU? Not sure.... )</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A spell request

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I'm not Cassandra Clare thus own none of the characters.

“WHO DARES TO DISTURB THE HIGH WARLOCK?!" Boomed Magnus to the speaker. He really wasn't in the mood to interact with anyone and hoped to scare away whoever it was.

“It's A-” stuttered a painfully familiar voice and Magnus froze “A client…” it amended as the Warlock stared in surprise.

It’s been a week since he broke up with the Nephilim and he already missed him terribly. He didn’t think he’d lay his eyes on him again, so soon. Soon… Everything is relative… It wasn’t soon at all for Magnus. The past week was Hell and those who would follow it were bound to be worse, he knew that. But there was nothing that could be done… ‘ _It wasn’t working, it couldn’t work between us…_ _I shouldn’t let him in…’_ he thought _‘But I want to see him…’_ another voice whined inside his head _‘I_ **need** _to see him, one more time…’_

Wordlessly and despite his better judgment and the voices still waging wars in his head, he **did** let him in. He distanced himself from the door and stood near the kitchen, arms crossed over his chest to hide his anticipation as he waited for the boy.

A terrible looking Alec wobbled inside the loft slowly. His raven hair was a mess, and fell in front of his eyes that were glued to the floor, concealing them. His clothes were tattered and torn in places, like they'd been clawed by demons. Magnus drew a sharp breath at the sight, but the Nephilim didn't notice, being busy with breathing slowly to calm himself and not burst out crying. Magnus kept his silence, waiting for him to speak first.

Finally, Alec calmed down a little and managed to say in a brittle voice. “I… I'm sorry… for bothering you…” He was still standing in the threshold, eyes never leaving the floor, not daring to look where the Warlock stood lest his control failed him. _‘I shouldn’t have come.’_ He thought. _‘No, there was no other way, I-’_

“Close the door and come in.” ordered the older man in a husky voice, snapping him out of his reverie. Alec took a deep breath and turned his back to close the door, raising his head momentary. Magnus thought he’d finally face him but when he turned his way again, his blue eyes were downcast once more.

Magnus was getting annoyed. He longed to see the boy for so long, despite what happened, and now he stood before him and wouldn't even show his face! “So?” he said annoyance painting his voice.

The Shadowhunter flinched at the tone and Magnus bit his lip, immediately regretting it. When Alec spoke, his voice quavered but his words were formal and polite, as if he was talking to a stranger. It hurt and the Warlock fought not to let it show on his face. “I… Please… I would like you to make any recollection of me disappear from the minds of those who know me.” He said, effectively startling the other man into silence for a spell, but not too long.

“What?!?” he asked incredulously and the boy flinched again.

“I'm sorry… I wouldn't… bother you, but… you are the only one I can ask…” he responded, nervously fiddling with the hem of his sweater and after a few seconds added, in a small voiced laced with affection and pain. “There is no one as powerful as you…”

Magnus felt his heart constrict. He wanted to look at him so bad… To see his face… Those blue eyes he loved so much… _'Why won't you look at me??'_ Frustrated beyond measure, the Warlock seethed. “Look at me when you're talking…”

“I…”

“LOOK AT ME!” he shouted, his growing distress turning into rage. However, when the boy **did** face him, startled, his head shooting up, his anger evaporated.

Alec’s face was etched with grief and there were deep dark shadows under his eyes which were sunken and red, terror instilled in them by the Warlock's sudden outburst. “Alexander…” Magnus gasped, his tough exterior slipping, and the boy though mesmerized by the cat-eyes he loved so much, noticed that the Warlock was far from okay too. His hair was not styled, his face devoid of make-up revealing dark shadows under his amber-green eyes, and there wasn’t a speck of glitter on him. He looked tired like he hadn’t slept for days, but was still so breathtakingly beautiful…

Just looking at him hurt, but he couldn’t take his eyes away. He took a step forward, his hand rising on its own volition, reaching out for his beloved, but then Magnus blinked and the spell was broken just like that. Realising what he was doing, Alec dropped his hand at once, falling back towards the door and lowering his head again.

“I'm sorry.” _‘I have no right… To touch him anymore…’_ the boy thought on the verge of tears.

Before the Warlock could respond or react, something fluffy flew through the air towards Alec who caught it reflexively. “MEOWR!!” It climbed on his neck, licking his face and Magnus felt a pang of jealousy. _'You brought this upon yourself'_ an inner voice reminded, and he inwardly scoffed at it.

Alec petted the cat affectionately and hugged him, hiding his face in his fur “I'm sorry…” he whispered, not for the last time. He let him down, and Chairman walked past Magnus, scratching his leg as he went, effectively ripping his black silken pajama pants.

The Warlock looked at him in disbelief and hissed “Traitor.” In response, the Nephilim, who looking down, hadn’t witnessing the scene, gasped and looked up, immeasurable hurt in his blue eyes. “The cat.” said Magnus quickly and Alec dropped his eyes again. _'How could you think that?'_ The Warlock thought, pained. _'Do you really think I hate you?'_

Silence descended upon them, neither knowing what to say, both fighting to keep their distance and composure. Alec was breathing deeply to steady himself, not daring to look at him. He hadn’t thought it would hurt so much to be close to him now that he wasn’t wanted anymore. Meanwhile, having decided that staying like that wasn't good for either of them and unable to take it anymore, Magnus stated as tonelessly as he could manage. “Sorry, you can't afford me.” He hoped and at the same time hated to disappoint the Nephilim, but there was nothing else to do.

“I **_know_** that.” The boy whispered. “I just… wanted to know if it _can_ be done… and for how much. And I will return…”

“What are you going to do? Rob a bank?”

The boy looked up shocked. “Of course not!” Just then, he noticed that Magnus wasn't wearing a shirt “I… I…" he stuttered, blushing when meeting Magnus' eyes and dropped his head again, breathing deeply, shaking his head. Seeing that reaction and the blush he loved so much took all of the Warlock's self-control to not run to Alec and kiss him. After another minute of inner struggle, he reluctantly decided to address the issue at hand instead.

“I don't believe you have the right to make that choice.” he said matter-of-factly struggling to make his voice indifferent again. “As it is not **_your_ ** decision to make.”

“No one would miss me…” the boy whispered

“What?”

“I'm sure they wouldn't mind…” he amended, stealing a glance through his eyelashes at the Warlock who paled having heard him the first time.

 _‘Stupid, stupid Nephilim…’_ He thought shocked, but said nothing, just sighed and named a price. It was too extravagant, since there was no way he was erasing any memories and wanted to discourage him.

And he did, for a moment. The boy gasped, but then a look of determination came upon his features and he nodded. “Thank you. I'll be back.” The Warlock stared dumbfounded as the Shadowhunter raised his eyes to look at him with poorly disguised longing and giving him a beautiful heartbreaking smile full of pain, whispered. “I'm sorry again… Truly sorry…”

The boy turned his back and Magnus raised his hand taking a step his way, wanting to reach out to him, to stop him from leaving, but hesitating to do so. Alec had paused at the door and Magnus saw his shoulders trembling slightly and heard him choke out in a brittle, strained voice “I'm going to fix everything…”

Before he had a chance to stop him, he opened the door and run away, oblivious to the Warlock’s shocked, pleading look.


	2. Forget me...

Magnus passed the greater part of the next days, restlessly pacing around his apartment, thinking about his encounter with the Shadowhunter. Now, at the evening of the fourth day he found himself doing that again. It didn't make sense… Normally Alec, no, **_anyone_ ** in his position, should ask for **_his_** memories to be erased not everyone else's… Except… _'No.'_ shaking his head he cast the thought away. _'But…'_ With an exasperated sigh he fell to the couch hiding his face in his hands. There was no denying it, he knew the boy well enough. Always believing he was unimportant, yet, kind as he was, not wanting to risk hurting anyone…

“Angel…” All the pieces clicked together. “I won't allow you to do it.” he muttered, and got up heading for the door, intending to go out and find him wherever he was, but stopped on his tracks. Find him… And then? He was the one who said it was over, but Angel, had he regretted it… He had already forgiven him and he saw now, that being apart only caused both of them pain. Maybe their relationship couldn't work, but they had to try… He… suddenly, the buzzer sounded, violently pulling him out of his reverie. Annoyed, he screamed at it “WHO IS IT?”

“It's Alec…” said the voice quietly and Magnus let him in, sighing in relief.

The boy took longer than normal to reach the door and when he finally did, Magnus had to stifle a gasp. He was deathly pale, even more so than usual, and his eyes were dull and lifeless with even darker shadows beneath them. “I'm sorry to bother you again… I'm back.” he said in a low voice and taking a deep ragged breath leaned against the wall.

It was clear that he had difficulty standing on his own, and suddenly, with the real gravity of the situation confirmed, Magnus felt terrified for him. “Alexander…” he said slowly. “What have you done?”

Despite his condition, Alec decided to play dumb to dodge the true question, and regaining some of his cool, replied “What? I brought the money, as I said I would.”

“I'm warning you Alexander.” The Warlock said in a grave voice “Don't play with me. I'm not blind. What. Have. You. Done?”

“What does it matter?” the Shadowhunter retorted defiantly.

“It does.”

“Why? Why would you care?” Alec asked, despair and grief lacing his voice.

“WHY?! Why??” Magnus raised his voice momentary, but managed to regain control, speaking the half truth. “I will not be responsible for your death.”

Alec looked taken aback but answered nonetheless “I'm not dying… This is nothing. I've had worse… Please. I brought all you asked, will you do this for me?”

“No. I do not agree with what you want.” said the Warlock stubbornly, crossing his arms over his chest, trying to hide the pain in his voice.

“What?” said the Nephilim, agitated “Why? You never said…”

“I didn't believe you would really be able to find all that money!” Magnus shouted again and Alec flinched. Feeling guilty, the Warlock went on, his voice more gentle. “I told you… It's not your decision to make…”

“Damn well it is!” The boy shouted and Magnus looked taken aback “I… I **_never_** asked for any of them! I…” his voice broke and he shook his head falling silent.

“I believe that the proper solution to your problems would be to erase **_your_** memory.” Magnus interjected, praying for him to refuse.

“No!” Alec shouted, looking up, terrified by the mere thought “No, never… Just… I’m sorry… Will you help me or not?” he finished, tired, his eyes pleading with the Warlock, the short-lived spark in them already gone.

Magnus sighed, exasperated. “Fine. I'll do it! Happy?”

“No.” answered Alec truthfully, his blue eyes sunken and dead. “I'll never be happy again. But you don't have to worry about that. No one does.”

Magnus almost burst out crying. “Alexander…” he pleaded, but Alec only shook his head, looking deep in the Warlock’s eyes.

“Please… Just do it…”

“Okay then…” the Warlock said, suddenly feeling exhausted. “Get out. And return here again in half an hour to confirm that everything worked.”

Alec nodded, his eyes filled with anguish “Thank you… I'm sorry… For everything… Truly sorry… **Goodbye**.” he choked out and run away once more.

Alec staggered outside of the apartment barely keeping himself together. Knowing Magnus wasn’t going to leave anytime soon, he just collapsed on the stairs, hiding his face in his hands, letting his tears fall. ‘What have you done’ he had asked… He probably meant to his body, since he must have looked awful. But that didn’t matter. “What **_have_** I done…” He sobbed. “I lost him forever…”

Almost half an hour passed, and he managed to calm down a little. Shaking his head he got up. _‘I chose this… Soon, nothing will matter… Everyone will be happy. I just have to confirm it and… see him one last time…’_ he thought and headed outside, to ring his former lover’s doorbell one last time.


	3. No turning back

Alec rang the doorbell and held his breath anticipating the Warlock's shouts but all he heard was a mildly curious “Hello?”

“I would like to talk to the High Warlock please.” he heard Magnus chuckle and the door opened.

He felt like a dagger twisting in his heart, he sounded so carefree, so happy _'_ _All I did was make him unhappy…’_ he thought bitterly, hating himself, as he climbed the stairs with effort, his breath catching, still feeling fatigued.

Upon reaching the loft he cast away his dark thoughts and stopped on the threshold. “Hello…” he said in a hushed, hesitant tone, looking down.

“Such a polite Nephilim… You must be one of a kind.” Alec raised his head surprised and saw Magnus staring, taking him in. He blushed under the scrutinizing look. The Warlock run his eyes over him looking amazed and when their eyes met his cat eyes widened and he froze. Alec felt his heart break all over again, realising Magnus had really forgotten about him.

“Hellooo beautiful.” The older man added finally, giving him a genuine heart-warming smile that only caused his heart to break once more. “What can I do for you?”

It was too much. It hurt… “I… I…” he staggered and leaned against the door to steady himself, placing a hand over his eyes. "I'm really sorry…” he said finally.

He felt, rather than saw the Warlock come beside him. "Are you okay?” He asked worriedly.

“I will probably be…” he lied.  “Eventually…”

“Did someone hurt you?”

“No. I did this to myself…  Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.” A sob he could no longer suppress escaped his lips “I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have come here…”

“But you came… There must have been a reason… Tell me darling and I'll help you if I can. It pains me to see someone so beautiful, so hurt. What happened?” He looked up at him despair in his eyes and decided to say what he wanted even if it was too late. “C'mon.” Magnus reached taking his arm and gently led him to the couch making him sit down, summoning a coffee for him.

Alec's hands holding the cup started trembling as he looked at it and realised the coffee was black, just the way he usually had it. “Thank you… how… did you know?” he dared ask.

The Warlock looked confused “How? Ah… I don't know… It just popped in my mind… Maybe I'm psychic” he wiggled his eyebrows and laughed. “Never mind that. Talk to me…”

The boy looked up at him, blue eyes shining with unshed tears staring in cat ones, and fighting for control spoke. “There is someone I love… More than anything. More than my own petty life… and I did something unforgivable to him… but I… It was a misunderstanding… I never meant to hurt him… I would never betray him…I'd rather die…” his voice broke and he looked away, breathing deeply to maintain control.

“Why don't you tell him then?”

“I tried… but he wouldn't listen… he… he hates me now… But… Even if he didn't… It's too late…” another sob escaped him and he couldn't hold back his tears anymore. He hid his face in his hands. “I'm so sorry…” He breathed through sobs and got up “I'm really sorry… for bothering you… I have to…” He turned his back on Magnus and took a step towards the door when the Warlock reached out and caught his hand.

“I could make you forget. I could stop the pain… you only have to ask.” He offered in a hushed voice, for the second time.

Alec gasped “NO! No, no, no, no, no…” He said panicking, jerking away from the Warlock. “I deserve the pain… And I'd rather die than forget about him…”

“And was that your plan now? To die?! Forgotten and alone?” Magnus whispered, dropping his façade. Alec gasped and before he could say anything, the Warlock pulled him into a hug. “How…?” He choked, in a pained voice, “How could you think for a moment, that I would be okay with forgetting you?”

But Alec wasn't listening anymore. The moment Magnus hugged him, all the restrains he kept up those times he saw him collapsed and he became a crying mess, clutching the Warlock like a lifeline, wanting the moment to last forever, enjoying it like a doomed man the last rays of sunshine, because he knew he couldn't live without him anymore. Magnus would eventually send him away again, and then, he intended to finish everything, rather than live through this Hell.

When he calmed down a little, he found himself curled in the Warlock's arms in the couch. Magnus was petting his hair gently, and for the first time since the breakup, he felt peaceful. He knew he shouldn't stay there. Magnus had made it clear he didn't want him anymore, but he couldn't find it in himself to move. “I'm sorry… I…”

“Hush… I heard that enough to last a lifetime.” Magnus cut him off kissing his hair. “Stupid Nephilim… What did you hope to achieve?”

“I wanted to rid you of my presence… I didn't want to be a burden to anyone anymore…”

The Warlock hugged him tighter, almost to the point of pain, but he welcomed it “You were never a burden! What would you do if I had really forgotten you? Did you just intend to end your life like that?”

“My life is already over…” He whispered breathing in Magnus' scent, preparing for the inevitable “I shouldn't have bothered you… I'm sorry… I guess you want me to go…” He really didn't want to make Magnus hate him more by imposing on him, but he couldn't move… He waited for the Warlock to send him away… Just a few more seconds…

“You really…” the boy tensed, waiting for him to say something cruel and order him to disappear. “…should stop deciding things for other people…”

“I… what??”

“ _I'm sure they wouldn't mind…I guess you want me to go…_ ” Magnus repeated patiently before exploding. “Of course I would **'mind'**! What do you think you are?”

Alec made a choking sound and looked at him pained “We both know what I am… what I have always been… For my family, a disappointment…”

“That’s not true…” Magnus whispered, but Alec just smiled sadly and went on like he hadn’t heard him.

“For you…” he paused, his voice thick with tears, “…just a footnote… In the long story of your life… How could I… be **_anything_** else?”

Magnus was astounded. “You… You **_Stupid_** Nephilim!!” he seethed and Alec hid his face from him again, cowering against his chest. “Do you really believe that a _'footnote'_ could do this to me? Have you heard anything I **_ever_** said to you?? I. don't. do. charity.”

“But…”

“Oh shut up. Do I have to spell it out for you? I love you. Nothing you did could reverse that. Even though I said it doesn't change anything, it does. I can't live without you… By this point it's quite clear, that this makes two of us. So…” he paused, his light tone evaporating. “ ** _Please._** ” Alec looked at him, eyes wide. “Forgive me…” Magnus pleaded the tears he kept back for so long, finally falling from his eyes. “I hurt you so bad my Angel…” He buried his face in Alec's hair breathing his scent in. “Let’s try again…”

“You… Do you mean that? You forgave me?”

“Of course…”

“Magnus… I don’t deserve your forgiveness… Even if I didn’t mean to, I betrayed your trust…”

“Nothing matters now… I need you… Please come back to me…” Alec just hugged him tighter crying too. “I love you… so much… I’m sorry… So sorry…”

“I love you too my Angel… Everything is going to be okay… I’m never letting you go again…”


End file.
